Don't you love it when God gives you a major life lesson through mommy hood? I got a huge reality check/wake up call yesterday...I'll get to that in a bit. Lets do a little background info first. This entry is going to be as open as I can get and I hope it helps someone along the way that struggles with the same thing...Rewind about 11 years to when I was in High school. My family moved to Texas and I remember being pretty thin my freshman year then my sophomore and Junior year I gained weight. Not a few pounds. More like 40lbs. I was around 160lbs when I went to the schools Banquet (what would be equivalent to a prom). One day after school I remember my family stopping by McDonald's, I was super hungry but decided to save my parents some money and didn't get anything to eat. After that I just gradually began not eating. By my senior banquet I was 109lbs. I also remember being extremely unhappy, pale, and weak. It took a lot of effort to play sports. We played tennis one day in PE and I thought to myself, 'who the heck plays this sport? This racket is soooo heavy!' My Dad used to weigh me before I could go out with friends or on dates. I got really sneaky and began putting change in my pockets to make myself weigh heavier. I graduated in 2001 and off I went to college. Not sure what happened. I still thought a lot about food and weight but every year I gained a little more weight. My freshman and sophomore year I was so wrapped up in a bad relationship I didn't really care about my weight. My Junior and Senior year the relationship finally ended for good and I was stressed out with school and work (I was taking 21 credit hours and working 40 hours or more a week). Needless to say I was tired and I didn't have a great diet. I would go on yo yo diets and binges. The two that stick out in my head the most are my Junior year when I went on a gum and liquid diet. I would literally not eat anything for 10 days at a time and survive off of gum and fluids. My thought process was to lose 10lbs in 10 days. It worked but I paid the price. The second memory that stands out in my memory was my last semester of my Senior year. I was so so so stressed with everything. One night while my roommates were gone I ate a ton. 2 large pizzas, big mac and fries, two 1/2 gallons of ice cream, candy, and pie. I threw up and threw up and threw up some more till it was all out. Then I felt guilty and out of control so I called my Dad. I remember telling him how bad my throat hurt and how I was tired of seeing blood when I threw up. He told me he was going to yank me out of school. I begged him not to and to let me finish my last 1/2 of the semester and that I wouldn't do it again. I've always been honest with my Dad and he let me stay. I graduated that spring and went home. When I got home I weighed 175lbs. My sister Esther quickly whipped my butt into shape. We worked at a car wash 8am-4pm. From there we would go to the gym for 2 to 3 hours. Protein shakes and sandwiches were my best friend. By the end of the summer I was 130lbs. I went to graduate school and lost 5lbs the unhealthy way(not eating). Dropped out half way through the semester went home and married Isaac and got pregnant. For the first 6 months of pregnancy I would eat in front of Isaac but survive off of crackers and juice when he was not around and I am ashamed to admit it but I made myself throw up a few times. Isaac went to OTS and I stayed with my mom and really packed on the weight. After having Isaac I lost all the weight with running and skipping meals. Not healthy. With Israel I ate everything there was to eat and 3 weeks after having him started doing Insanity. I am blessed enough that I have 2 sisters that will let me call them day or night and say, "hey, I need to talk for an hour I feel like throwing up" and they'll talk with me and encourage me and a husband who tells me he finds me just as attractive at 180lbs as he does at 125lbs and proudly holds my hand in public at any weight. I know I will always have a love hate relationship with food. My most recent thing was that I didn't want to eat chocolate while Isaac was deployed. He sent me chocolate covered strawberries. I balled. I sat there and stared at them. I ate most of them at one time then ran to the bathroom to see if I gained 20lbs. I was terrified. That brings me back to the scale. I weigh myself every chance I get. I thought it wasn't hurting anything. It was keeping me in check. I can weigh myself up to 20 times a day. Then yesterday morning little Isaac went to use the bathroom he immediately ran to the scale, "33lbs! 33lbs! Ugh! I am fat! Israel, get on the scale. You've gained 10lbs! 10lbs Israel! You need to lose weight!" This broke my heart. He's 4. He's a boy. It honestly never occurred to me that he even paid attention to the fact that I get on the scale. Recently I have been eating as healthy as possible and working out. Running in the mornings mon, wed, and fri. Insanity at night. The scale won't budge but my clothes fit better. It's taken 11 years to "click" but the scale is not everything. For once in my life I don't want to be skinny, sick, tired and a size 4 or 6. I want to be fit,toned, and full of energy. Surprise, surprise exercise and HEALTHY eating will get those results. I asked Isaac to hide the scale from me today. I'll weigh myself every 3 months or at the end of a program. My goals are no longer to see how low the scale number can get or how small my pants size can be but how far I can run, how much I can lift, and how to be the best role model I can be for my kids. I know I'll still struggle with food on some days and not look in the mirror and see what others see. But removing the biggest thing in my life that "defines" me is the first step I am taking to breaking this mental cycle with myself and I REFUSE to let it affect my children. Bye scale! I won't miss you and your negativity :)
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